Change Starts At Home

I have been grappling with the idea recently that all violence stems from men. Call me sexist. It is a rash conclusion I make when I can’t tolerate the violence and abuse of power in the world and want to hold someone - or some group - responsible. It leads me down a road of extreme thinking, where I become an outraged or discouraged feminist, wondering how we are to live with this other half? Of course, not all men are violent. And as I recently learned in a social justice seminar, I am recognizing a pattern, not a rule. But at its core, I believe my rationale is a recognition of male systems and structures of power and my refusal to be accommodating to them any longer.

The story I want to share is about my two children, both boys, ages 10 and 7, trying to resolve a conflict. Brotherly fights are a common occurrence in our home, whether it’s a fight over who gets to sit in the most desirable spot, who gets to choose what we watch on t.v., or one kid making more noise than the other can tolerate. These sibling squabbles run the gamut from quick compromise to yelling, hitting and crying. 

A disagreement they recently had was over who would get to charge their iPad first. We were in the car and driving to their dad’s house, where there is only one iPad charger. One of them asserted, “I get to charge my iPad first when we get to dad’s house!” The other responded, “What?! That’s not fair!” 

I have learned from parenting books like Siblings Without Rivalry and Parent Effectiveness Training that an effective method for helping kids resolve their conflicts is to facilitate a sort of mediation, where each party gets to suggest solutions and each party gets to veto solutions, until they can both agree on one solution that meets their needs. I suggested to the boys that they problem solve a solution and that it be one they can apply to this problem every time it occurs. They agreed.

The first solution suggested by my 7 year-old was, “If one of us asks the other if we can charge our iPad first and the other says it’s okay, then we get to charge our iPad first.” That was a solution they both agreed to. But the idea of what would happen if they both wanted to charge their iPad at the same time returned. The next suggestion from my 10 year-old was, “Whoever’s iPad has the lowest battery gets to charge their iPad first.”  My 7 year-old vehemently disagreed (perhaps because his brother’s iPad was at 2% battery, and his was at 27%). He suggested instead that they always take turns, back and forth. 

Their arguing ensued and by the time we reached their dad’s house, their problem was not resolved. It wasn’t until two days later that I found out how they had resolved their conflict. They had decided to do rock-paper-scissors. The outcome had favored taking turns, and they both agreed to it. 

It’s relieving for me to know that they will solve their problems, in the end, out of necessity, and that in this case, each was willing to accept the other’s solution. As I reflect on their solutions, I realize that one was prioritizing meeting the most immediate need for battery first, and the other was providing equal opportunity, no matter what the circumstances are. Each has its wisdom.

I do believe that the more we can acknowledge each other’s perspectives with our best attempts at empathy, the more progress we can make in tough conflict. As Dr. Ross Greene explains in his book The Explosive Child, unilateral decision making by parents is the popular problem solving approach with kids, however with certain kids, boys especially, it can lead to explosive behavior. He argues that what a parent thinks is fair does not always take into consideration what the child’s needs are, which are often times not even known. It’s through empathy -- or what he explains as neutral information gathering -- that parents can inquire with their children about what is so hard for them to meet their parent's expectations. No one wants boys, and later men, exploding when their needs are not met. 

The real culprit of violent behavior is authoritarianism, not the male sex. 

Additionally, we know from neuroscience that male and female brains develop differently and respond differently to stress. According to Australian parenting author, educator, and mother of four boys Maggie Dent, boys’ brains are biologically wired to express emotions through movement (the limbic system), rather than verbally like girls.  Boys have also been shown to develop their right brain before their left, whereas girls develop both at the same time. Executive functioning, including impulse control, usually requires switching from the brain’s right hemisphere to the left hemisphere, which explains why young boys under 6 years-old can often turn to hitting, kicking, jumping, running and wrestling when their adrenaline and cortisol levels are heightened and they lack impulse control. 

The real travesty here is that boys cannot control their impulses until they are older, and parents or authority figures, out of ignorance, punish and shame their behavior. No wonder we have so many angry men in the world. 

The hopeful reality, I believe, is that there are many reformist educators like Maggie Dent and Dr. Ross Greene, who are breaking down stereotypes and advocating for more empathy, collaborative problem solving, and movement/play time in schools. In my own children's school, fidget toys are a daily necessity for many of the second grade boys.

Parent Effectiveness Training, which started as a course in 1962 and later was published as a book in 1970, teaches communication skills and conflict resolution to parents. Its author, Dr. Thomas Gordon, was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize three times. P.E.T. focuses on techniques like active listening, "I" messages, and the "no-lose" method for resolving conflicts between parents and children. It has sold over 6 million copies worldwide and been translated into over 30 languages. 

Similarly, Marshall Rosenberg started his Nonviolent Communication program in the 1960s, which was first used to provide mediation and communication skills training during federally funded school integration projects. He believed that all conflict is the tragic expression of an unmet need, and that all humans share the same fundamental needs. He wrote three books on parenting including Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way, Parenting from Your Heart, and Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids.

The nonviolent movement from the 1960s was a turning point in conscious thought that paved the way for more nonviolent parenting educators. Magda Gerber founded her respectful childcaring approach Resources for Infant Educarers in 1978. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish published their bestsellers How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk in 1980 and Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too in 1987.

We are living at a time when mainstream thought around parentinig favors emotional intelligence, connection, and respectful boundaries rather than traditional punitive discipline. Modern parenting movements like Conscious Parenting, Gentle Parenting, Positive Parenting, and Attachment Parenting promote these views. Change starts at home, and parents today have more helpful resources and science at their fingertips than ever before. As writer and activist Rebecca Solnit said in a recent New York Times interview, "Maybe changing the world is more like caregiving than it is like war."

The author is a single mother to two boys and lifelong learner of effective parenting. She lives in Los Angeles.